An Unexpected Gift
A reflection on the gift of carrying our ‘Crosses’ by Mr. Joseph Visci, Novice
Whenever occasions rolled around, my wife and kids would ask me what I might want for a gift. Almost invariably I would answer “nothing”, or… “everyone at peace”. Then one Father’s Day some years ago, I decided I wanted a crucifix to wear around my neck.
It was not about the jewelry. I had always lived the faith. It was the reality that I did not create myself… that God had given me the gift of life… that He had created our amazing world and universe… and that Jesus had come among us and given his life for us. That reality had finally made its way over the longest distance in the world - from my head to my heart. I had decided I wanted to wear a crucifix, something eye catching, to jump start conversations about the Lord I had come to know and love, and the Catholic faith - the map and rudder for our journey to God - that has been tried and found true. So I asked my wife for a crucifix. What happened next, I never expected…
When Father’s Day rolled around my wife gave me a very nice… shirt. The crucifix wasn’t even brought up. It was the rare occasion that I had actually asked for something, and so when I didn’t receive it, I felt ignored and hurt….
The following week my brother had us over for a barbeque. As he was grilling, he turned to me, reached into his pocket and presented me with a gold chain and cross that had belonged to our uncle. Apparently, “coincidentally”, after I had asked my wife for the crucifix, my brother had called her and told her he intended to give me the cross… so she gave me a shirt. Given my hurt over receiving the shirt, it was a good reminder for me to practice what I preach: don’t presume, things are not always as they seem. At the time I thought this had been the message, the lesson I was supposed to learn from this experience. I was very grateful to my wife, my brother for the very thoughtful and generous gift, for the lesson, and for the coincidence… God’s providence (?)…
But the cross was plain. I kept thinking I had wanted the crucifix, the conversation piece. Then a few weeks later, by God’s grace, I awoke to the message I had missed: Yes, the cross I was handed was not the cross I wanted, but the fact is…we do not get to choose our cross.
“we do not get to choose our cross..”
Crosses are the sufferings we do not want, inflicted upon us by others or circumstances, at a time we did not choose - and often when least expected. They are the sufferings over which we sometimes hear people ask in desperation, “what did I do to deserve this”, or angrily declare, “I don’t deserve this”. It may be when a loved one has died, a child or spouse is stricken with disability, in finding ourselves dependent on others, in caring for an insatiable elderly parent, in family or workplace troubles that seem never to resolve, or people negligently or intentionally hurting us. In one way or another, these crosses represent our dreams dashed, expectations unfulfilled, our sense of justice unsatisfied - our will not done.
Sooner or later most of us will bear a cross we did not choose or expect. But it is for those very reasons, that our crosses can be a gift… because He lets us choose how we carry it.
“He lets us choose how we carry it…”
We can choose to endure suffering and sadness until it passes. Or we can do what society tells us we should do: reject it and become resentful and/or self-soothe. Among the many band-aides for suffering which society is ready to sell us, there is food, drink, work, golf, shopping, social media likes, and TV and video game bingeing. It’s all tempting and in keeping with what we have been sold - and what we might like to believe - that we are entitled to have life our way and be happy all the time. But ultimately these band-aides are like trying to satisfy thirst by eating sand – they do not satisfy the problem, and often make our problems worse. In pursuing them we become like fish darting around a dark ocean seeking food only to wind up caught in a net of unhappiness.
There are certainly moments when enduring is all we can do, and when feeling sad, angry, resentful, and rejecting our circumstances may overtake us, and moments when we may need a break. But it is exactly then - when it is most difficult to focus on anything other than our pain, sorrow, or the hurt that is our cross - it is then that we can make the choice to see the world, our lives, and our crosses in the context of our relationship with Our Lord… and as he sees it….
Jesus says ‘yes’ to the Father. He humbly lowers his divinity to become one with our humanity at the Incarnation. He then forgives us our rejection and his crucifixion at our hands, revealing God’s mercy and love. He offers his yes to the Father, his willingness to suffer and forgive us to reveal the Father’s love, as a sacrifice to the Father… on our behalf… to make up for the many times we fail to say ‘yes’ to loving God and others as we should. As it is sometimes said, he paid a debt he did not owe, for us who owed a debt we could not pay and in so doing he restores us to relationship with God and God’s grace. He then continues to offer himself to us in the Eucharist, uniting and nourishing us with grace for our journey.
Jesus turns suffering into self-sacrifice and the cross, an instrument of death, into an instrument of love, revealing God’s love for us, teaching us how to carry our crosses so as to grow in love.
Father Capodanno, Pier Giorgio Frassati, Damien of Molokai, police officer Steven McDonald offered love in this way. My uncle who took care of his wife with Alzheimer for 12 years at home until her death into his mid-80’s, my grandmother, who cared for my paralyzed grandfather 13 years at home until his death, my father, who lived on peanut butter and jelly and walked with holes in his shoes to put us through school. None complained, all suffered the letting go of what they might otherwise have wanted… all loved like Our Lord… and all inspired.
We are not meant to look for crosses, they will be there big and small. God does not need our sacrifices – we do. By offering the crosses that will come (and penances like fasting) as sacrifice praying for the good of others, we forget ourselves and we grow in humility, discipleship, and love.
So the simple gold cross handed me that day, the cross I did not want, drove home a most basic truth of our faith. Amid the truth beauty and goodness of this world… for the church and for each of us… there can simply be no Easter Sunday thanksgiving without living out Good Friday. We don’t get to choose our cross, but we can choose to emulate Our Lord. And if we remember he is in the boat with us, all storms pass, and recall his words in the Garden - not my will but thy will be done… we may find the suffering feels less like a cross, and peace.
I did finally get a crucifix, the faith conversation starter. I kneel and close my eyes as I put it on… I am at Calvary… the foot of His cross. Our Blessed mother is there. Moved deeply by His sacrifice and His thirst for our hearts I pray, thank You… Your Will be done… may I love like You…
